Today : How to be an insufferable wine bore

1. Relax with a glass of wine every day. More importantly; make sure everyone knows you relax with a glass of wine every day.

2. Be careful to distance yourself from people who drink beer or gin every day. These people are not wine "buffs", but common alcoholics.

3. Never refer to wine using the word "wine". Always refer to the grape variety instead. Add other impressive sounding detail that you read off the label for extra "buff"ness.e.g.
WRONG : "Mmmm, a glass of wine"
RIGHT : "Mmmm, a superb South Chilean clay-soiled Grenache!"

4. Make sure you talk loudly at dinner parties about how you loved the film 'Sideways'

5. Never admit that Paul Giamatti was better whilst painted blue in Big Fat Liar (you haven't even seen this trivial childish nonsense)

6. When drinking wine, spend as much time smelling it as you do drinking it.

7. Swish it around in the glass a bit. Practice this in front of a mirror so it looks natural.

8. Make ridiculous pleasure-style "mmm aaaah" noises whilst smelling, letting people know you detect aromas that their sad, uneducated palatte can only imagine.

9. Red says 'buff' so much more than white.

10. Talk about wine bargains as if you spend your life combing the supermarkets for them, when really you read about them in the Sunday papers or saw them tipped on one of the many food and wine shows with Z list presenters and D list chefs that you record from BBC2.

11. Talk about wine in the abstract, as if it is an academic subject. Never mention that you simply enjoy being pissed.

12. Whilst pontificating about the taste, invent new and absurd flavours at will. e.g. this subtle, maraudingly coquettish red has hints of musky lavender charcoal with barnacles and a tinge of old buttered potato peelings leaving a touch of swarfega and nitrous-oxide dangling teasingly on the tongue. This will make you look knowledgable and in no way will make you the laughing stock of your town.

13. When referring to makes and varieties, adopt a ridiculous Inspector Clouseau accent. "This Pinot Noir is from The Chateau de Battaille-en-Rouen" Use this accent even if the wine is not French.

14. Always stay ahead of the game by buying and championing wines from up and coming countries, even if it tastes like boiled chuddies coloured with beetroot and flavoured with Lenor.
e.g. "You really must try this Ulan Batorian Chianti!"

15. Purchase an elaborate and hugely overpriced corkscrew designed by someone like Phillipe Starck, that leaves bits of cork floating in your precious Chardonnay.

16. Learn that bits of cork floating in wine in the Chardonnay does not mean the wine is 'corked'.

17. Listen to Dido.