Saturday, July 01, 2006

today : how to improve sport

Sport is cool. Whether it's the world cup or whichever play-offs you might follow. They are one of the few glues that can hold communities together in these fragmented, postmodern times. The commentator for the Germans victory against Argentina today pointed out that this event was probably the first time that Germany was united in a real way since WW2. I would suggest since ever, given that Germany, like many modern countries, is a kind of nebulous concept created on a map.

Anyway, I digress. Sport is cool. However, I believe it can be even further improved. So here are my suggestions for improving it.

1.Ignore injuries and allow the trainers on the field during play. Only stop the game if someone is really badly hurt. This used to be the norm, but nowadays the game stops for anyone who rolls around a bit. And that's most players, most of the time.
2. If your team concedes 3 yellow cards (or one red and one yellow), then the other team automatically gets a penalty.
3.If someone gets sent off, disallow substitutions for 10 minutes to give the non-offending team a tactical advantage.
4. No sub goalies.
5. Get rid of automatic yellows. Let the ref decide. So if it's a grudge match then let the players play with a grudge and only book them if they do something they could be jailed for. This used to happen in the 70s and it was much better.
6. In penalty shootouts, allow the goalie to move off the line.
7. Give a bonus point for scoring more than three goals.
8. Players should be paid according to the bizarreness and sheer stupidity of their hairstyles. The more bizarre and the more sheerly stupid the hairstyle, the more they get paid This would make Carlos Valderama a gazillionaire and who could disagree with that?

1. In a limited overs game, such as 20-20, split the game into four innings, so that the good batters get two goes and hit more runs.

American Contact Sports
1. Disallow body armour and too much protection. We actually want a little more blood and heroism.
2. Speed it up. In American football especially, limit the number of players on each team and only allow a few short seconds between plays.
3. Hockey. Nobody wears a helmet.

Rugby Union.
1. Ban kicking straight into touch from behind the 20 metre line. The punishment, a differential penalty to the other team from where the ball was kicked.

1. One serve only allowed. Women to play the same length matches as men.

1. Reinstate the rule that says the best person in each country can enter because the world is boring without Eric the Eel Moussambanis and Eddie The Eagle Edwards's.

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